The following is an excerpt from my book manuscript, Ego Rehab.

It’s an ego minefield out there! As part of our upbringings, we’re subconsciously schooled in how to massage and tiptoe around egos. I know I got this somewhere in my childhood, and I continue these subtle ego-management strategies to this day. We even learn to tiptoe around our own egos! We learn to massage our own egos, we learn to feed our own egos, thus inflating our own egos. My belief and the guiding tenet of Ego Rehab is that we have to be willing to look our own egos in the eye in order to really grow beyond them. The hard part, of course, is having the (spiritual) courage, awareness, and humility to recognize and acknowledge them in the first place! 

Hmm, let me do this for myself now. Let’s see, what ego triggers do I avoid in myself? What ego disguises do I unconsciously massage or feed? My victim ego disguise I definitely feed with my stories of “poor me.” And maybe I avoid thinking about strategies to be more self-sufficient and peaceful, preferring the state of ego dis-ease?

Likewise, I avoid certain topics with certain people that I sense would trigger their egos. For example, some—most—people are really triggered by criticism and immediately get super defensive. (Particularly if I point out their egos to them—lol!) Other people—often the same people—need constant admiration and validation. 

I remember reading a list of different love communication styles a while back. One of them was needing admiration. Those are the types of people who need constant ego massage. It’s uncomfortable to be an ego masseuse, but we do it because that’s how we’ve been conditioned from a young age. And if it’s our partner, we may feel we need to ego-knead to keep the peace!

Unfortunately if you live in the real world and actually leave your house, it’s impossible to avoid dealing with egos of various sizes. I’m not always good at communicating with egos, as you’ve seen. The direct approach doesn’t work with them, it can actually backfire very badly. They may never speak to you again! “How dare you tell me I have an ego!”

Here’s my running list of tips on how to talk to an ego:

  • Center yourself in Being/Awareness/Presence before speaking by taking a deep conscious breath.
  • Practice deep listening. Just let them talk and maintain the space of Presence/deep alive stillness/Awareness
  • Hold silent compassion—know that they’re operating from their ego, but don’t tell them that—that can backfire, as I’ve said!—and don’t make yourself superior) 
  • Like Eckhart Tolle’s example from chapter 2 of A New Earth, ask gentle questions with gaps of stillness in between. Who is getting defensive right now? Does your Soul/Consciousness/Being have to stand up for itself? or Who is it that wants to be right? etc.
  • Recount stories/analogies to bypass ego. Never tell them directly, “This is what you need to do.” That can trigger their ego defensiveness: “Don’t tell me what to do!” 
  • Don’t use ego-trigger words to describe the other person. You can use them to describe yourself or your own actions, however. These include negative unflattering and derogatory adjectives or ego disguise descriptor words like immature, angry, low class, sleazy, etc. This will only inflame them more! I’ve learned this the hard way!
  • Don’t make accusations.
  • Don’t communicate from a place of anger, defensiveness, or any other ego disguises. I repeat: DON’T GET ANGRY OR DEFENSIVE! That won’t get you anywhere with an ego. And it means you’re in your ego, too!
  • Go through your Ego Awareness Checklist first and sleep on it or call a trusted friend if you’re too emotional (i.e. if your pain-body is active)
  • Simply state what happened from your perspective.
  • If you’d like a reply from the other person, try “What happened from your perspective?”
  • Start off your communication by mentioning some Portals to Presence that you’re aligned with in this moment, like “I’m speaking from a place of love, clarity, and authenticity…”
  • Open and close your communications with the gateway of gratitude: “Thank you for sitting down with me…” “I’m grateful for the deep authenticity of this conversation.”
  • Bonus Points: mention the Portals to Presence again at the end of your communication

Practice What We Preach

Boy, it’s hard to stick to those ego whispering techniques in real life! A couple days after I wrote that section of my manuscript, my partner returned to the island after several months. We started talking about—i.e. bickering about—certain things that happened in the past. Midway through, he accused me of guilt tripping him again. He graciously pointed out that guilt tripping is my main ego disguise—he actually called it my main ego “weapon.” 

I held Little Bitch’s defensiveness at bay and responded, “Thank you for that insight, I hadn’t realized that, but I can see it now that you point it out.” Of course, a little later in the conversation, Little Bitch couldn’t resist blurting out my partner’s most prominent ego disguises, even though he didn’t ask for them! Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well.

I sometimes—strike that—often have this issue of giving advice or blurting out truths that people didn’t ask for—the old Sagittarius hoof-in-mouth disease. I try not to, but especially with my partner it’s really, really difficult to bite my tongue! I guess that’s my pushy know-it-all ego disguise!

I was actually just giving my friend Ginger advice yesterday on how not to do this. She said her landlord has diabetes and she’s really worried about his health. He may lose his toes soon. She would really like to give him some health advice but doesn’t want to overstep her boundaries. She asked me how I would handle this situation. I told her I would gently offer that I know some very good healers that I could share with him if he’s interested. 

Taking it upon yourself to tell people what they should do can really trigger their egos! As can pointing out all their flaws—lol! With my partner that’s exactly what I did today: “You know what your problem is…” Little Bitch is a sneaky know-it-all!

A slightly better way to go about this is to ask if the person wants your help or insights in the first place. Or, as I learned from Eckhart Tolle, tell a story about what your friend or family member did in a similar situation.

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